Yesterday in chapel, which happened to take place in the gym, with Syd Birrell playing the keyboard and Geoff Bemrose leading us with his guitar, I started the year with the following message: (this is a shorter version)
When I ask you, students and staff, what you love most about our school, the answer includes this one word at some point or another – community.
This morning I am going to focus on two aspects of community that require some work. The first is friendships. I personally work hard at my friendships, always have. One of my favourite sayings is that “You cannot make old friends”, and my hope is that some of you will one day come to realize that you have become old friends.
I love good research, and one of the most fascinating research projects comes from Harvard’s research about how people make a good life. Dr Robert Waldinger, the Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development and the author of a new book called The Good Life, has been studying the same people through eight decades, consulting with their parents and children. This is the longest study of what keeps people happy and healthy through life. Spoiler alert – this research study proves that happiness does not come from fame or money or achievement. Here is the most important finding: good relationships keep us happy and healthy. That’s it.
So in the spirit of asking good questions, here it is – if people could change one thing in their lives to be happier, what does the data say they should choose to do? People should invest in their relationships with other people. And this applies to a wide breadth of interactions in our daily lives, from close friends, partners, and teachers, to anyone including staff we interact with in the halls, the dining hall or even the person we run into delivering packages to the front office. We get little hits of wellbeing in all these different kinds of relationships.
When we have stress which may impact our physical and mental health, we need a deeper connection, like a good friend who can listen to our rant – research shows that that friendship can help alleviate the pressure. I truly believe we only need one friend, with whom we feel comfortable and connected, and we can feel the benefits from that connection.
This morning I remind you of the need to put effort into your friendships. The easiest strategy is to replace screen time with people time. Or, one of my best friends, Maureen who lives in Halifax, texted me on the weekend with another idea. She read a wellness article in the New York Times called the 7-Day Happiness Challenge and Day Two is about an eight minute phone call. So Sunday night, as Kevin and I drove home from Kawartha Nordic where we had an awesome afternoon ski, we got on the phone with Maureen, and although we could talk for hours, we agreed to eight minutes. When we hung up, I was so happy to have had this connection. Apparently, a study of 240 adults in 2021 found that when participants received brief phone calls a few times a week, their levels of depression, loneliness and anxiety were rapidly reduced compared with people who didn’t receive a call. So my first message is to connect with your friends – make a call.
Second, I want to address one of the nuances of learning and living in community.
When I was a kid, my brothers and I fought. One time, after he had been bugging me and bugging me, I leaned over and kicked him in the gut. It is actually the only time I have done something like that, so it sticks out for me. (And apparently it stood out for him as well, as he told that story at my wedding as a warning to Kevin that ‘She’s nice but she can kick’). Anyway, I see that kick in a similar way to today’s cancel culture. When we call-out behaviour, we react harshly; we cancel others; we don’t invite them into solving problems. Sometimes it’s because the issues are small, or subtle, or sneaky, or trying to be funny, or maybe unintentional…but the impact, not the intention, is what is important.
Harvard’s centre for Diversity, Inclusion and Belonging has a Guide to calling-in and calling-out behaviour. As we foster spaces of belonging, we must recognize, name, and address when individuals or groups with marginalized identities are experiencing harm, such as bias or discrimination. The concepts of “calling-out” or “calling-in” have become helpful ways of thinking about how to bring attention to this type of harm.
To be clear – I expect you to deal differently with serious instances of disrespect, in which case you should turn to adults for support. I know you know we have a process in our School Life Guide for dealing with respect, consent, bullying and harrassment. I am talking now about the micro-aggressions. Knowing the difference between these concepts can help us reflect, and then act, in ways we feel will best promote constructive change.
So as we start 2023, and as we come near to the end of a global pandemic and with rising extremism, I have a few hopes for you.
We have made a commitment as a school to be global – this year we have 44 countries represented. And we have made a commitment to celebrate diversity and be inclusive, in our houses, classes, values, and in our day-to-day lives. And it turns out that being inclusive also requires daily practice. My hope is that we actively understand instances of microaggressions, and the difference between intent and impact, and the difference between calling-out behaviour and calling-in conversations.
My hope this year is that you reflect on when it’s important and effective to call someone in, and when we do, we acknowledge we all make mistakes. We also help someone discover why their behavior, even if it was unintentional, is harmful, and how to change it. And we do call-in with compassion and patience.
I saw a quotation that said this – we tend to judge others by their behaviour, and ourselves by our intentions. My hope is that we presume good intentions.
In an increasingly diverse world, I hope we always focus on how we will negotiate our relationships. Of course I am proud of Lakefield College School. Here, you are learning to be with others in your houses and your advisor groups; you are surrounded by amazing adults on campus who invest time in navigating social interactions. Here, you are learning to listen in Harkness discussions, and learning to disagree, respectfully. Here, you are also learning one of the hardest lessons – be it in business, in leadership, and in life – and that is to seek points of agreement.
My hope is that we are a community who practices “calling-in” with kindness and curiosity, so we can maintain an emotionally safe community. The feeling of inclusion and belonging of everyone is important at The Grove.
So please, may we invest in our community by
1. Making a call and 2. Calling-in.
And remember – the good life is built with good relationships.
KeeNote 