A Few Hopes for Today’s Teens

Yesterday in chapel, which happened to take place in the gym, with Syd Birrell playing the keyboard and Geoff Bemrose leading us with his guitar, I started the year with the following message:  (this is a shorter version) 

When I ask you, students and staff, what you love most about our school, the answer includes this one word at some point or another – community.

This morning I am going to focus on two aspects of community that require some work. The first is friendships. I personally work hard at my friendships, always have. One of my favourite sayings is that “You cannot make old friends”, and my hope is that some of you will one day come to realize that you have become old friends.

I love good research, and one of the most fascinating research projects comes from Harvard’s research about how people make a good life.  Dr Robert Waldinger, the Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development and the author of a new book called The Good Life, has been studying the same people through eight decades, consulting with their parents and children.  This is the longest study of what keeps people happy and healthy through life.  Spoiler alert – this research study proves that happiness does not come from fame or money or achievement. Here is the most important finding: good relationships keep us happy and healthy. That’s it.

So in the spirit of asking good questions, here it is – if people could change one thing in their lives to be happier, what does the data say they should choose to do?  People should invest in their relationships with other people.  And this applies to a wide breadth of interactions in our daily lives, from close friends, partners, and teachers, to anyone including staff we interact with in the halls, the dining hall or even the person we run into delivering packages to the front office. We get little hits of wellbeing in all these different kinds of relationships.  

When we have stress which may impact our physical and mental health, we need a deeper connection, like a good friend who can listen to our rant – research shows that that friendship can help alleviate the pressure. I truly believe we only need one friend, with whom we feel comfortable and connected, and we can feel the benefits from that connection.

This morning I remind you of the need to put effort into your friendships. The easiest strategy is to replace screen time with people time.  Or, one of my best friends, Maureen who lives in Halifax, texted me on the weekend with another idea.  She read a wellness article in the New York Times called the 7-Day Happiness Challenge and Day Two is about an eight minute phone call. So Sunday night, as Kevin and I drove home from Kawartha Nordic where we had an awesome afternoon ski, we got on the phone with Maureen, and although we could talk for hours, we agreed to eight minutes. When we hung up, I was so happy to have had this connection. Apparently, a study of 240 adults in 2021 found that when participants received brief phone calls a few times a week, their levels of depression, loneliness and anxiety were rapidly reduced compared with people who didn’t receive a call.  So my first message is to connect with your friends – make a call.

Second, I want to address one of the nuances of learning and living in community. 

When I was a kid, my brothers and I fought. One time, after he had been bugging me and bugging me, I leaned over and kicked him in the gut. It is actually the only time I have done something like that, so it sticks out for me.  (And apparently it stood out for him as well, as he told that story at my wedding as a warning to Kevin that ‘She’s nice but she can kick’). Anyway, I see that kick in a similar way to today’s cancel culture.  When we call-out behaviour, we react harshly; we cancel others; we don’t invite them into solving problems.  Sometimes it’s because the issues are small, or subtle, or sneaky, or trying to be funny, or maybe unintentional…but the impact, not the intention, is what is important.  

Harvard’s centre for Diversity, Inclusion and Belonging has a Guide to calling-in and calling-out behaviour.  As we foster spaces of belonging, we must recognize, name, and address when individuals or groups with marginalized identities are experiencing harm, such as bias or discrimination. The concepts of “calling-out” or “calling-in” have become helpful ways of thinking about how to bring attention to this type of harm. 

To be clear – I expect you to deal differently with serious instances of disrespect, in which case you should turn to adults for support.  I know you know we have a process in our School Life Guide for dealing with respect, consent, bullying and harrassment. I am talking now about the micro-aggressions.  Knowing the difference between these concepts can help us reflect, and then act, in ways we feel will best promote constructive change.

So as we start 2023, and as we come near to the end of a global pandemic and with rising extremism, I have a few hopes for you.

We have made a commitment as a school to be global – this year we have 44 countries represented. And we have made a commitment to celebrate diversity and be inclusive, in our houses, classes, values, and in our day-to-day lives. And it turns out that being inclusive also requires daily practice.  My hope is that we actively understand instances of microaggressions, and the difference between intent and impact, and the difference between calling-out behaviour and calling-in conversations.

My hope this year is that you reflect on when it’s important and effective to call someone in, and when we do, we acknowledge we all make mistakes. We also help someone discover why their behavior, even if it was unintentional, is harmful, and how to change it. And we do call-in with compassion and patience. 

I saw a quotation that said this – we tend to judge others by their behaviour, and ourselves by our intentions.  My hope is that we presume good intentions.

In an increasingly diverse world, I hope we always focus on how we will negotiate our relationships.  Of course I am proud of Lakefield College School.  Here, you are learning to be with others in your houses and your advisor groups; you are surrounded by amazing adults on campus who invest time in navigating social interactions.  Here, you are learning to listen in Harkness discussions, and learning to disagree, respectfully. Here, you are also learning one of the hardest lessons – be it in business, in leadership, and in life – and that is to seek points of agreement.

My hope is that we are a community who practices “calling-in” with kindness and curiosity, so we can maintain an emotionally safe community.  The feeling of inclusion and belonging of everyone is important at The Grove.  

So please, may we invest in our community by 

1. Making a call and 2. Calling-in.  

And remember – the good life is built with good relationships.

We are Lakefield

On Monday morning, we ran our first ever Chapel service at Lakefield College School by zoom.  We weren’t sure how it would go, nor did we know how many would show up. Reading the New York Times article, As School Moves Online, Many Students Stay Logged Out., makes me feel especially grateful to our students – we had over 450 people log in to zoom at 8:30am, and we have 376 students.

Here is the short summary of my message:

Never did I imagine, that we would gather by zoom, and not in our beloved A.W. Mackenzie Chapel.

So here we are, making history.

All of us will have our own distinct feelings about being back together again, here, in this way, in our new virtually shared chapel. For me, I am struck by a range of emotions: happiness to be connecting again – gratitude that everyone showed up! – uncertainty about where we are headed, loss for what we must all leave behind. Fortunately, for me, today, being together again gives me far greater feelings of hope than loss.

But make no mistake, like you, my sense of loss is acute.

I went in the chapel last week and stared at the empty pews and wondered when it would be full again. I felt an incredible sense of loss and miss each of you.  I also feel like I am grieving the loss of Regatta Day, Gladiator Day and of course, the likely loss of gathering under the white tent to celebrate our grads.  Grads, I am so sorry that this is your year. We will work hard, and consult with you, on how to make up for this. We will celebrate you.  We will make a plan.

This morning, I want to focus on what I see happening, some of the positives, so that we will not only survive this pandemic, we will make history together.

One positive is definitely the front-line staff in this pandemic.  I hope we all take time to celebrate health care workers around the world. In every pandemic, there are doctors and nurses who respond with unbelievable heroism and compassion, and this is what is happening today.  Look them up locally.  Here in Peterborough, people make noise during their shift change at 7pm.  In Toronto, certain buildings have lit up messages for health care workers. Some of you have parents or relatives or friends who are working through all of this. Today, we thank them.  I ask for a moment of silence for those who have passed away from the virus, and for those who are working and putting their own lives at risk, to save lives. [Moment of silence.]

For the rest of us who are not health care workers or on the front line, I want us to ask this question of ourselves:  what can I do to make a difference?  In what way can I serve?

I believe we are called to serve in three ways, and no Lakefield student will be surprised by my three ways:  Ask good questions. Try your best. Be kind.

First – Shout out to Anthony Overing and Ethan Webster.  They asked this good question:  How can I do a remote chapel talk? They both tried their best and did an incredible job. I loved their advice to get outside and to get a hobby.  Watching those chapel talks gave me incredible hope in the future. There was no hug line for either of them, but I felt the love and kindness of our community.  Chapel talks are one of those secrets of Lakefield… you have to experience them to understand them. They are “So Lakefield”. Thanks to our grade 12s, we will continue to experience that part of Lakefield, remotely.

My focus this morning is on what it means to be kind, and I hope we think of kindness in two ways – Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others.

How are you being kind to yourself? In particular – How are you being kind to your mind? How are you developing and growing your mind?  We can feel overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, and worry in these challenging times, and this is normal.  You have a choice to make – get lost in Netflix or social media… or do something more.

This morning, I am asking that you actually take care of your mind and pay attention to your various emotions. Learn more skillful ways to be with difficult emotions.  Take time each day to sit quietly and feel your emotions.  Or go for a walk. Get outside.  Get a new hobby.  Write about how you are feeling in a journal or talk about those feelings with a friend or family member. Another strategy to be kind to yourself is to take time to imagine what might happen in the future.  My point is that you need to find a way to have a sense of calm and peace. We all need to work on ourselves so we can have an impact on others.  Panic is contagious. Calm is contagious too.  The world needs a wise, calm person in each home that brings more understanding to these circumstances.

So my first hope is that you take time to be kind to yourself.

My second point is to be kind to others.  Connect. Call a friend. Call someone who wouldn’t necessarily get a call.  Call your grandparents. Write a note to a classmate.  Write a note to whoever made you dinner last night… Notice what others are doing to make your life better, and share that gratitude. Being kind to others actually feels good… gets us out of self-pity.

So my second hope is that you force yourself to be kind to others.

In this difficult time, we all need community more than ever. I am grateful for our Lakefield community.

We are making history. We are Lakefield. We got this.

What do trees have to do with well-being? (Trees Part Two)

We have a standing item on our Leadership Team agenda on risk, so we can try to stay on top of incidents and whether or not we need to update our policies or practices.  We often come back to what we consider one of our biggest risks, and that is the mental health and well-being of all of our students.  Lakefield College School is a community of 382 teenagers, and the world is an increasingly complex and scary place for teens.

• In a wall street journal article, The American Association of Pediatrics warns that too much social-media use can lead teenagers to depression and anxiety. Girls today collect “likes” instead of making friends. They can be devastated by a cruel text or a tepid reaction to a selfie. Long before they hold hands with a date, they are exposed to online pornography and misogynistic messages. Modern girls are never truly alone and never truly with others. In a 2018 national health survey, girls reported the highest levels of loneliness on record.
• The author of The Coddling of the American Mind writes about a mental health crisis. Kids born after 1995 have really high rates of anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicide.  Suicide rates in the US have gone up 25% for boys and 70% for girls.

Schools – as well as universities and colleges – are all working hard to support student mental health and well-being.  We are all updating our health care systems (The Well@LCS), adding programs (We are excited by our positive education and well-being program called Thrive), encouraging student-led clubs (Jack.org) and recognizing special days (Bell Let’s Talk Day).

But I have been thinking about this in a new way thanks in part to a presentation I heard at the CAIS Heads and Chairs Conference.  Michael Unger challenged us to create opportunities for teenagers to take responsibility for others in more meaningful ways, to become more intentional about cultivating empathy and strengthening connection.

And this takes us back to our trees…

In my research,  I’ve become fascinated by roots.

A few facts:

• It is a myth that roots run deep. The most common depth of roots is only about two to two and a half meters.
• Roots are typically – and surprisingly – shallow and wide-spreading, extending radially in any direction.
• While genetic characteristics of a tree play some part in a rooting pattern, soil conditions are of overriding importance.

I don’t know about you but as a former English teacher, I cannot help but draw comparisons to our students.  The lives of teens in terms of meaningful connections are shallow, perhaps even more so today with social media.

But I believe we can also be inspired by roots as we think about how to support students in navigating this complex world.

In The Hidden Life of Trees, Peter Wohlleben shares ground-breaking new discoveries about the interconnectedness of trees.  He writes that – Much like human families, trees live together in a community, communicate with each other, and support each other, sharing nutrients with those who are sick or growing or struggling and creating an ecosystem that mitigates the impact of extremes of heat and cold, for the whole group. As a result of such interactions, trees in a family or community are protected and can live to be very old. Wohlleben cites evidence of a 400 year-old beech tree that was actually being kept alive by neighboring beech trees. In contrast, solitary trees have a tough time of it and in most cases die much earlier than those in a group.  He believes that where once we saw trees as isolated individuals, we now perceive a wood as a place of multiple and sophisticated interrelationships, many of them operating deep beneath the earth.

This inspires me to think about additional strategies for addressing today’s mental health crisis.  How can we help teens to form more meaningful relationships?  How can we help them understand the need to authentically give to others and form community?  Can we be so bold as to wonder if less focus on self will help to strengthen self?

I am inspired by our campus – the Grove – not only as a community of trees, but as this incredibly alive underground root system, one of intertwined stories, lives, experiences and communities, and one that teaches that in order to help yourself, you need to connect with and help others.

May our trees remind us to get to know others, to connect with them meaningfully.

May our trees remind us that we are part of a community, and we have a responsibility to care for others.

Should schools ban cell-phones?

Lately, I just cannot escape this topic. 

In my evening snacks with Houses, students pile into my living room to talk about what is working, what could be improved, and just life in general.  Inevitably, conversation turns to our overly strict cell-phone and wifi policies, and we have a great debate about whose decision it is to control technology.

This year, I am spending a great deal of time meeting with parents, past-parents and alumni, and I’ve had over 25 small group meetings in six countries.  In most conversations, we also end up discussing teens and technology use.  The consensus with adults is easy. They like that we do not allow phones in the dining hall or chapel. They like hearing that many teachers do not allow them in class. They like that we take phones away from grades nine and ten students overnight. They like that we shut off the wifi at night.  They like that we had a speaker in to teach students to be responsible digital citizens (Check out Chris Vollum’s message).  And most of all, they like that we still emphasize relationships; we have always been a community that engages deeply with each other and spends a lot of time outside.

Our teachers also talk about the benefits of less technology at school, and our reasons are sound:  social media has been associated with depression, anxiety, and the fear of missing out; there’s always a concern about cyberbullying and sexting; and we worry about the limited information that teens are exposed to online when we know they need to be challenged by diverse opinions.  Last year, many of us read Jean Twenge’s book called iGen.  She calls children born between 1995 and 2012 the iGen, as they are the first to enter adolescence with smartphones in their hands.  Her research is somewhat alarming:  teens spend about nine hours each day using screens; the average teenagers processes 3,700 texts per month.  Twenge reports that by their own admissions, teens are addicted to their phones.

Now before we adults get too judgmental, a 2016 Common Sense Media Study found that adults spend as much time – or more – with screens as their kids do.

Recently, on Family Day weekend, we made the long trek to Baie-St-Paul so Kevin and the kids could ski at Le Massif.  We like to listen to a podcast called Making Sense by Sam Harris, and the episode we chose was Douglas Rushkoff, who explored the state of the digital economy.

So should schools do more to control technology use?

I tend to favour the belief that we should manage not avoid technology.  I also believe that increasingly, one of our most important jobs is to cultivate our own healthy digital habits and model good use.  (My own kids would say that I have a lot to learn!)

What I know for sure is that we must continue to talk – with teens especially! – about technology use and how to spend our time and how to portray our lives online.

And at the end of each conversation?  Clarify that rule-making on technology use is an adult decision.

 

The most distinguishing trait of the world’s best teachers

 

This week, the video of the father’s talk with the son about Paris terror went viral. The boy’s innocent evaluation of the events and then his absolute trust in his father’s reassurance were moving. The son’s final “Oui” was powerfully beautiful – I can picture their eyes locked and want to hold on to that image of trust and love. But it was the father’s amazingly quick ability to refocus his worries on to the flowers that most moved me. How did he even think of that? Wasn’t it amazing to see the boy ponder this idea and then smile? In that moment, the world witnessed what the best teachers aspire to do on a regular basis – they touch the soul.

I am fortunate to have witnessed two other such moments this week at Shawnigan Lake School’s accreditation review.

On Monday night, our team split up and visited the nine boarding houses. I observed a regular Strathcona House meeting that included usual items like curfew, thank yous, congratulations and reminders. Then the house parent announced something that would normally make my eyes roll, especially since it is only November – Christmas door decorations. But there was no room for my cynical scrooge feelings, because the room of girls immediately erupted with excitement. It was infectious. When I met with the house parent afterwards, she admitted that she shared my lack of enthusiasm for decking the halls in November, but she reminded me that this time of year can be stressful for students. She intentionally created this opportunity for joy, and I can only imagine how it will continue when the wrapping paper, tape and ribbons land in the hands of 50 teenage girls.

The second moment this week was in chapel. Shawnigan has a tradition of non-denominational chapel service that can include a sermon and/or prayers, and singing. (I am pretty sure I have explained before that I am a sucker for students singing? Well I could probably go so far as to argue that the second most distinguishing trait of the world’s best teachers is that they sing with their students!)

For a moment think of the typical image of today’s teenagers – disengaged, anxious, obsessed with their phones… Singing is not part of that stereotype. So you may have to work hard to imagine a group of enthusiastic singers. But please do. The boys behind me belted out Amazing Grace in my ear, and their singing was no louder than the rest.   And now picture this – David Robertson, the Headmaster of 23 years, approached the podium and did what great teachers do. He said he knew they could do better and could they please sing the last verse again, but with more enthusiasm. I couldn’t believe it! The organist started up again and the impossible happened – the 450 high school students sang with more zeal, and I nearly cried. If anyone ever questions their faith in today’s youth, they need to attend chapel at Shawnigan. In fact, visit any number of our CAIS schools if you want to witness amazing teens. I couldn’t sense it, but David Robertson knew that a second round would solidify that feeling of profound joy in the students.

Hanna Rosin explores youth anxiety in this month’s article in The Atlantic on The Silicon Valley Suicides and there are a number of important strategies. Even adults struggle to make sense of the complexities. All the more reason for great teachers – including great fathers, house parents and Heads – to help today’s youth navigate an increasingly complex and stressful world. This week reminded me of the powerful gift teachers give when they know and understand the needs of children and then respond to that need. That kind of love and joy is what our world needs most.

p.s. Here is the view of Shawnigan Lake School while walking to Strathcona House on Monday evening. The campus updates are spectacular!